Saumu and I took the local bus to Usa River and stopped at one of the smaller bus stops along the way rather than one of the big crazy and intimidating bus stands. As we were getting off the bus, the bus conductor asked (all of this conversation between us is in Kiswahili) if I would be returning to Tanga. I said yes, in about a week I would return. He gave me his phone number and said that if I needed to buy a ticket back I could call and he would remember to pick me up at this random stop. I thanked him, tested his number on my phone to be sure I had the right one, and carried on to enjoy a great week in Usa River. Instead of calling this guy and risking catching the bus along the roadside on the way home, Saumu and I decided to go in to Moshi for a night, to enjoy a nice meal at a good coffee shop, shave an hour off of our onward journey and have a little extra time to organize a bus ticket. We got a ticket for the same company on our own, and when we boarded the bus the following day, the same Bus Conductor was there. He remembered me and asked why I never called him. I said we came to Moshi instead for one day. He said okay. This is the extent of all our conversations. Fast forward through 6 hours of a boring hot and stuffy bus ride, and we are arriving back in Tanga. Saumu is fast asleep and I'm feeling pretty groggy. Buddy Bus Conductor has my number in his phone and he interrupts me from my book to confirm he's got the right number. Stupidly, I check it and confirm it is indeed my Tanzanian number.
Then, over the course of 3 days he sent me the following text messages interspersed with a ridiculous number of attempted phone calls (Translations courtesy of Saumu and my friend, Joel):
1. NAPENDA TUWE MARAFIKI TUCHATI KWENYE SIMU TUWE UHUSIANO WA KARIBU NAPENDA SANA WAZUNGU ILA BADO SIJABAHATIKA KUPATA RAFIKI
- I would like to be your friend, to send text messages, to be your boyfriend. I love white people so much but I don’t yet have any white people friends.
2. NAOMBA NICHATI NA WEWE PLEASE KAMA NIMEKOSEA SAMAHANI NAOMBA TUWE MARAFIKI
- I would like to chat with you please, if there is anything I’ve done wrong to you, please forgive me. I ask you to please be my friend.
3. Be Glad when someone miss u, be happy when someone loves u, be joyful when someone texts u, but feel special when someone never 4gets u! Good night my lovelly wife.
4. NAKUOMBA USINICHUKIE NI HALI YA KAWAIDA I LOVE YOU
- Please don’t hate me. This is just my habit. I love you.
5. JAPO NAKUUZI NAOMBA UNISAMEHE NAKUPENDA NAOMBA UNIPE MAFASI NDANI YA MOYO WAKO
- I know I do wrong, please forgive me, I love you, I beg for a chance at your heart.
6. NAOMBA UONGEZE SALIO LA UPENDO NDANI YA MOYO WANGU. MOYO WANGU UNAKUZAWADIA PENDO LA DHATI NA ULITUZE POPOTE UTAKAPOKUA NAKUTAKIA SIKU NJEMA MY LIVE.
- I beg of you to increase your love inside of my heart. My heart is a gift to you. Be careful with my love anywhere you go. I wish you a good night, my love.
7. I MISS YOU NAOMBA UNITUMIE SMS 1 NIFURAHI PLEASE
- I miss you, I beg you to please send me one message, it will make me so happy please.
8. SAMAHANI USINIKATIE SIMU NAOMBA TUONGEE
- Excuse me, please answer your phone.
9. UNANITESA SANA NAKUPENDA SANA NA NITAFURAHI MAISHAN MWANGU KUA NA MZUNGU I LOVE YOU
- You are making me so sad, I love you so much and I will be so happy for my whole life if I could be with a white person. I love you.
10. G9T
- Goodnight?
11. I LOVE I LOVE NAKUPENDA SANA NAOMBA UNIONYESHE HISIA ZAKO USUMBUFU WANGU
- I love you, I love you. I love you so much. Please show me what you think about me disturbing you.
12. ROHO INAUMA SANA USINGIZI SIPATI KWA JINS NINAVYOKUWAZA
- My heart is hurting. I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about you.
13. KUA NA ROHO YA HURUMA DEAR NAKUPENDA NAOMBA UNIOKOE KWENYE DIMBWI LA MPENZ
- Please have a good spirit, dear. I love you. Please save me by being my girlfriend.
14. KUA NA ROHO YA UBINADAM NIONEE HURUMA
- Have a good heart as a human being. Feel sorry for me.
15. USINIFANYE HIVYO SOTE NI BINADAMU NAOMBA USINITESE PENZ LANGU KWAKO LISIWE CHUNGU NAKUPENDA NIPENDE
- Don’t be like that, we are all human beings. I beg you please don’t dislike me, my love for you is not bad. I love you, so love me.
16. HI MAMBO I MISS YOU
- Hi how’s it going, I miss you.
17. MAMBO UMEAMKAJE NAPENDA NIKUSALIM KILA WAKATI
- How are you? Did you wake up okay? I would like to greet you all the time.
18. NIONEE HURUMA TUCHATI I MISS YOU NIPE NAFASI NDAN YA MOYO WAKO
-Feel sorry for me. Let’s chat. Give me a chance in your heart.
19. AU HUPENDI MTANZANIA NIMEKU LOVE
- Or do you dislike Tanzanians who love you?
20. I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH. G9T.
21. MAMBO UMEAMKAJE I MISS YOU
-How’s it going? Did you wake up okay? I miss you.
22. HI MAMBO ZA MCHANA KUTWA POLE NA MAJUKUMU
- Hi, how are you this afternoon? Sorry for your work today.
**He calls, and Saumu answers sternly in a deeper voice, pretending that he has the wrong number and we don't know who is calling. He asks where we are from and she lies, saying that we are from Mwanza, a different town far away. He hangs up.
23. NAJUA UNANIDANGANYA SAWA UNAJUA SANA KUPENDA KUBAYA G9T
- I know you are lying to me, you know me very well. To love is bad. Goodnight.
24. MM NI BINADAM MWENZIO ELEWA SAUTI YAKO AU SMS NINGEFARIJIKA NATESEKA JUU YAKO NIONEE HURUMA PLEASE
- I am a human being like you, please understand. Your voice or sms will make me so happy. Feel sorry for me please.
25. GOD NI MMOJA NIONEE HURUMA SAMEHE 7 MARA 70 NAKUPENDA I LOVE YOU.
- All Gods are one. Feel sorry for me 7 times 70. I love you, I love you.
26. NDANI YA MOYO WANGU HUTATOKA HADI NIFE NAKUPENDA
- You will never leave my heart until I die. I love you.
He doesn't even know my name! And because I had spoken only swahili to him, he thought I spoke it fluently enough to text me only Kiswahili (yay for learning a language!). He doesn't even know where I come from, and Thank God, he doesn't know where I'm staying in Tanga. Finally, after 26 text messages with zero replies in 2 and a half days, he has stopped texting and hopefully figured out that I will not be his "lovelly" novelty white person wife.
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